PARENTING is one of the hardest jobs in the world. When we become parents, we are suddenly responsible for helping shape another human being — how they see themselves, how they treat others, and eventually how they face the world. Yet most of us begin this enormous responsibility with no training at all.
There is no single formula for good parenting. Every child is different. Even newborn babies have different temperaments: some are calm, while others are difficult to settle. Genetics plays a role, as does the environment in which a child grows. Parents and family have an enormous influence, but as children grow, teachers, friends, school, social media, and life experiences increasingly shape who they become. It would be unfair to blame parents alone when a teenager develops mental health or behavioural problems, becomes violent, uses drugs or takes other dangerous paths. Nevertheless, positive parenting can have a powerful influence.
Research on parenting styles broadly describes four approaches: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive and neglectful. Authoritative parenting is characterised by warmth, support and structure while fostering autonomy. These parents give teenagers enough independence to make decisions with reasonable rules and boundaries. Authoritarian parents tend to control their children, enforce strict rules and rely more on punishment than problem-solving. Permissive parents are loving and responsive but place few demands on their children, with few boundaries or clear expectations. Neglectful parents are emotionally distant and provide little supervision, guidance, or support.
Adolescence (10 to 19 years) is a time of major physical, cognitive, social, and emotional development. For some, it is a roller-coaster ride; for others, it is a relatively balanced experience. Adolescents begin to identify themselves as individuals separate from their parents. They form their own self-image, seek privacy and become increasingly influenced by their peers. At the same time, the parts of the brain involved in judgement, impulse control and understanding long-term consequences are still developing. This is where the challenge of parenting a teenager is particularly evident. They may act like adults but are not adults yet. Supervision is necessary, though it should allow them to feel liberated rather than suffocated. They may not like their parents’ interference but still need their physical and emotional support.
Parenting a teenager is a balancing act.
Making rules, providing structure and routine, and setting boundaries are all important. Involving teenagers when making rules and allowing them to voice their concerns helps build their self-confidence. If they break rules, discussions should follow. Simply lecturing them and pointing out their mistake won’t produce positive results. Listening to them does not mean agreeing with everything they say or giving up parental authority. It tells them that their thoughts and feelings matter and makes it more likely that they will approach their parents if they face a serious problem.
Crucially, parents should know their teenagers’ friends, where they are going and what they are doing, including in the online world, while also giving their offspring more freedom as they demonstrate increasing responsibility. Clothes, hairstyles, music and other harmless choices are often part of developing an identity and fitting in with friends. Avoiding unnecessary confrontation over these matters may make it easier to be firm when parental intervention really matters, such as with drugs, violence, safety or other risky behaviour. We cannot always protect our children from making mistakes or wrong decisions. But rather than covering up their mistakes or immediately rescuing them from the consequences, it is important that they are helped in understanding the difference between right and wrong so that they can make better choices in the future.
Finally, parents instil values most effectively by being role models. Practising what is important to us is often more powerful than repeatedly telling our children what they should do. We cannot teach respect by humiliating them, honesty by being dishonest ourselves, or self-control by losing our temper. Teenagers may appear rebellious and sometimes reject what we teach them, but what they observe at home stays with them long after adolescence is over.
Parenting a teenager is therefore a balancing act. They need independence but also boundaries, privacy but also supervision, freedom but also responsibility. Perhaps parents’ job during these years is not to make every decision for them, but gradually to teach them how to make good decisions for themselves. The goal of parenting is not simply to raise an obedient teenager, but to raise a responsible, compassionate and independent adult.
The writer is a paediatrician at AKUH.
X: @kishwarenam
Published in Dawn, October 2nd, 2026
