Bhai, I’m tau so happy about Mamdani, so happy kay don’t even ask. Such a cutee he is. With that boyish smile of his. And his nice English. And the way he ghulo milos with everyone, even the poors and the Africans.

And thanks God, his beard is also not that big or bushy. And his wife, Rahma, so stylish with her short hair and cool outfits and eyeliner. Suna hai artist hai. And like him, a Muslim also, but from Syria only. Apparently, speaks furr furr Arabic. But, Mashallah, looks like total foreigner. Both husband wife give such nice impression of us to the world, na.

Inshallah, when Kulchoo gets married and has a son, I’ll name him Zohran. I’ve mulloed the name from now only. And if he has a girl (which I’m hoping he won’t because firstborn should always be a boy), I’ll call her Rahma.

In this time, Indians becharon kay liye main bohat feel karti hoon, vaisay. They don’t know what to do with Zohran. Actually tau, Zohran is quite a lot Indian. His mother is fully Indian — oho baba, she’s Mira Nair only, voh Monsoon Weddings vaali — and fully Hindu also. Wears tilak and speaks Hindi. And while the father says he’s African (doesn’t look African from anywhere, vaisay), actually, peechhay se, he is Gujrati, not our Chaudhriyon vaala Gujrat but their Modi vaala Gujrat.

New York’s new political heartthrob might have triggered Modi and Trump, but the real battle is over his name…

So, with like Rishi Sunak (remember him?) and the Koh-i-Noor diamond and mutton dum pukht, Indians tau are dying to rush out and put their thappa on Zohran and say that he is also ours but, problem is, he’s gone and announced kay he’s Muslim. Tau ab, what to do?

And this thapparhh from Zohran after Trump’s already flapped tariffs on India and has already done kutti with Modi. Apparently, Trump went to Korea and did nakals of Modi over there and called our Field Martial ‘a great guy’ and, sub se worst, he went and said that we shot down eight of their plains. Can you imagine how much Modi must have sarrhoed?

And I think so, Zohran is not a fan of Modi’s also. Apparently, he quoted Nehru in his acceptance speech and Nehru tau is Modi’s Enemy Number One, na (even though he’s been dead for 50, 60 years). And Zohran’s said kay if that dajjal Netanyahu comes to New York, he’ll arrest him because he’s a war criminal. And Netanyahu and Modi tau are pukka besties. So, one tight slap after another for Modi.

But to be honest, a lot of Americans are also sarrhoing after receiving this joota in their face. White Americans who hate Muslims and love Israel like Nylon Must and Trump and V. D. Dance and other richie rich types called Bill Ache Man, who gave millions of dollars to try and defeat our cutee Zohran. Aur karay. Haan. So glad his millions went down the brain.

You know, I used to think kay everything could be taken from you, except your blood and your faith. Whatever happens, those two things remain your own. But V. D. Dance is now saying that poor Usha — oho bhai, his wife — should give up being Hindu and instead embrace Catholicism as tightly as he’s embraced Erika Kirk.

And poor Andrew, who was a prince by blood, is now just an aam aadmi. His blood must have turned from blue to red. I wonder if he’ll join aam aadmi party now? Apparently, William and Kate nay barra hand kiya hai uske saath. They told Charles kay get him out before he spoils our brand also. Imagine! Doing that to your own chacha. Honestly…

I was telling to Janoo all this about poor Usha and poor Andrew but majaal hai that he will listen for one minute even. All day, all night, he’s going on and on about 27th Amendment and how this will make army even more stronger and civilians even more weaker and how judges will be sidelined and God knows what other bore, bore things.

Tau, when Mulloo called and wanted a chat, I shukar karoed. She’d called, super excited, to tell me that her sister’s daughter had twins — one boy, one girl — and they want name suggestions. Her sister’s daughter is called Zara and her husband is Zahid, so they want names with Z for the babies also.

“I was thinking of suggesting Zohran and Zaina,” said Mulloo. Honestly, Mulloo has a sick sense about grabbing anything I want. The second I even think of something, she’s on it.

“No, no,” I said, playing it cool. “Don’t do copy of Zohran. Be a bit more original.”

“What do you suggest?”

“How about Zehereela and Zehereeli?”

Published in Dawn, EOS, November 16th, 2025